Tuesday, March 17, 2015

Memory

I think I was raped when I was younger. I have strange memories from when I was around 12. Just standing in a bathroom naked and shivering trying not to meet my own reflection in the mirror. I can only remember this feeling of deep deep shame. Whatever it was that happened I was in shock. Funny enough, in some of my other writings I seem to feature my own reflection a lot.

Once I was seeing a psychiatrist, and I brought this memory up to her. She asked me if it was an important memory to me. If I believed that what I remembered was real. It was strange the conclusions we drew from such a simple memory. I had told her about my secret second job before, and she was pretty understanding.

She wondered if maybe my sleeping with older men was my way of piecing together this memory. I had actually wondered this myself. I seem to find myself attracted to the ones that really hurt me. Not on purpose, but somehow most of the guys I meet turn out to have a violent undertone that scares me...as much as it thrills me.

Honestly I don't know anything. But the idea is intriguing....