Monday, April 20, 2015

Thin

I'm anorexic.

Whenever I get hungry I repeat this mantra to myself

Thin is in

I tell this to myself as I practically dream of food. I imagine myself walking to the kitchen and making something. Anything! But I ignore it

Thin is in

At times I give into my hunger, and make something for myself. While I'm cooking it all I can imagine is how delicious its going to taste.

Thin is in

But then when I'm finished I just stare at it. Maybe take a nibble before feeling revolted and sick. I dump it in the trash.

Thin is in

It hurts my heart to waste food. I know what its like to not know if there is going to be a next meal. But when I look at whatever it is I've prepared, my stomach turns. I feel like I'm going to be sick.

Thin is in

Once I start getting thin enough that people ask, I start eating again. I force myself to eat.

Thin is in

Its not that I don't enjoy food. I love food! and eating! Its so amazing and delicious! Any bad day can be turned around with food.

Thin is in

Its when I start feeling fat. When I look in the mirror and notice I'm a little rounder. Thats when it starts all over again. Because thats when I can hear the voice in my head.

Thin is in

Friday, April 3, 2015

Upfront

I woke up groggily. My phone was ringing a quiet tune. My second line. A second job.

"Hello?" I answered trying not to sound too tired.

"Hi, you sound tired, is this a good time?" A voice on the other line answered.

"I was just about to go to bed, whats up?" I answered

"I'm currently staying at the Hilton, and I wondered what's the soonest you could come up here."

Another job. I looked at the clock. 2 in the morning. I debated for a moment. I could fall asleep and continue my day like normal. Or I could take this job and make some money. I looked at the clock again 2:01. Sleep is overrated anyways.

I found a cab and 45 minutes later I was stepping out of the car.

I had been texting this guy the whole way up, and he seemed really funny. After the cab drove away The guy hugged me and said he was so happy I could make it up. I told him honestly I was seconds away from falling asleep when he called. That it was just luck there was someone willing to drive a few towns away.

We went up to his room. It was 15 stories up. And the view from the window was spectacular. Just absolutely gorgeous! And there was a painting on a wall that reminded me of Jupiter. He opened a fridge and pulled out a bunch of beers. He told me I could take one if I wanted. I went chose one that seemed like it would be tame. After popping the top and taking a sip I jerked back. I was so gross! Like a chemical bath of gross. I noticed my face and asked if everything was alright. I told him it was just incredibly dark. He took a sip and made the same face. It was too dark for either of us and we tossed it before finding something a bit lighter.

I sat down at the edge of the bed, sipping the drink. I usually tried not to drink if I wasn't in a public place, but he had a calming air around him. He was funny, and I found I trusted him pretty fast. We ended up lying on his bed just talking for hours. He asked me all sorts of questions about my life, and I asked him questions about his. He is a partner in a growing internet based firm. That he had an apartment being built that should be finished in a week. He told me stories from his past and we both had some fun. Later on we put on a movie. It was something I had wanted to see because of the main actor in it. After the movie we realized the sun was rising outside the window. We had literally talked the night away. He said he was going to shower, and I told him I'd probably be asleep by the time he got out.

I heard the water start to run, and then nothing as I fell asleep.

I woke to something moving beneath the sheets. I gasped and arched my back, fully awake. It wasn't that he was big, it was that it was a surprise.

A few minutes later I was falling back to sleep….

-

We woke up at noon, and he said he was hungry. We got dressed and went outside. He hailed a cab, and a few minutes later we were standing at the edge of a rooftop café. The breeze blowing over the city was soothing, and I wished I could drift away with it. To simply float away into the sky. We sat down at a bar and he asked what I wanted to drink. Usually I like Bloody Mary's. I think they are exciting! However I wanted something different. I ordered a Whiskey Sour instead. It was amazing! Seriously, whoever invented the Whiskey Sour is a genius. New favorite drink. Amen, and thank you Jesus.

We got some lunch to go with that, and talked for another hour. We decided our little date was over, and he hailed a cab to take me home. As I waited I started getting a little uncomfortable. He hadn't paid me yet, and it didn't look like he was going to. As a cab pulled up I finally asked him. I asked if he was going to give me anything for my time. He paused for a second and was like "I don't know what you're talking about". I knew it. I told him he had called me up from an escort site. Of course he knew it wasn't free. He said that he didn't know, that I should have asked up front because he wasn't going to pay anything. He turned around and walked into the bar.

In that moment, standing there car door open, I had a choice. I could follow him in and get my money. Or I could go home. I knew that if I went after him he wouldn't hail another cab. Or even offer to pay. But I also knew if I left I definitely wasn't getting the money. I took a step towards the bar, then turned around and got into the car.

This was my mistake, and now I know. Next time I am asking them upfront. It's either now, or never. I felt a bit cheated, but at the same time, it wasn't a bad tradeoff. I had fun conversation, alcohol and lunch. It wasn't the worst date I had ever had. I chalked it off my list, keeping a mental note to always ask up front….