Thin

I'm anorexic.

Whenever I get hungry I repeat this mantra to myself

Thin is in

I tell this to myself as I practically dream of food. I imagine myself walking to the kitchen and making something. Anything! But I ignore it

Thin is in

At times I give into my hunger, and make something for myself. While I'm cooking it all I can imagine is how delicious its going to taste.

Thin is in

But then when I'm finished I just stare at it. Maybe take a nibble before feeling revolted and sick. I dump it in the trash.

Thin is in

It hurts my heart to waste food. I know what its like to not know if there is going to be a next meal. But when I look at whatever it is I've prepared, my stomach turns. I feel like I'm going to be sick.

Thin is in

Once I start getting thin enough that people ask, I start eating again. I force myself to eat.

Thin is in

Its not that I don't enjoy food. I love food! and eating! Its so amazing and delicious! Any bad day can be turned around with food.

Thin is in

Its when I start feeling fat. When I look in the mirror and notice I'm a little rounder. Thats when it starts all over again. Because thats when I can hear the voice in my head.

Thin is in

Upfront

I woke up groggily. My phone was ringing a quiet tune. My second line. A second job.

"Hello?" I answered trying not to sound too tired.

"Hi, you sound tired, is this a good time?" A voice on the other line answered.

"I was just about to go to bed, whats up?" I answered

"I'm currently staying at the Hilton, and I wondered what's the soonest you could come up here."

Another job. I looked at the clock. 2 in the morning. I debated for a moment. I could fall asleep and continue my day like normal. Or I could take this job and make some money. I looked at the clock again 2:01. Sleep is overrated anyways.

I found a cab and 45 minutes later I was stepping out of the car.

I had been texting this guy the whole way up, and he seemed really funny. After the cab drove away The guy hugged me and said he was so happy I could make it up. I told him honestly I was seconds away from falling asleep when he called. That it was just luck there was someone willing to drive a few towns away.

We went up to his room. It was 15 stories up. And the view from the window was spectacular. Just absolutely gorgeous! And there was a painting on a wall that reminded me of Jupiter. He opened a fridge and pulled out a bunch of beers. He told me I could take one if I wanted. I went chose one that seemed like it would be tame. After popping the top and taking a sip I jerked back. I was so gross! Like a chemical bath of gross. I noticed my face and asked if everything was alright. I told him it was just incredibly dark. He took a sip and made the same face. It was too dark for either of us and we tossed it before finding something a bit lighter.

I sat down at the edge of the bed, sipping the drink. I usually tried not to drink if I wasn't in a public place, but he had a calming air around him. He was funny, and I found I trusted him pretty fast. We ended up lying on his bed just talking for hours. He asked me all sorts of questions about my life, and I asked him questions about his. He is a partner in a growing internet based firm. That he had an apartment being built that should be finished in a week. He told me stories from his past and we both had some fun. Later on we put on a movie. It was something I had wanted to see because of the main actor in it. After the movie we realized the sun was rising outside the window. We had literally talked the night away. He said he was going to shower, and I told him I'd probably be asleep by the time he got out.

I heard the water start to run, and then nothing as I fell asleep.

I woke to something moving beneath the sheets. I gasped and arched my back, fully awake. It wasn't that he was big, it was that it was a surprise.

A few minutes later I was falling back to sleep….

-

We woke up at noon, and he said he was hungry. We got dressed and went outside. He hailed a cab, and a few minutes later we were standing at the edge of a rooftop café. The breeze blowing over the city was soothing, and I wished I could drift away with it. To simply float away into the sky. We sat down at a bar and he asked what I wanted to drink. Usually I like Bloody Mary's. I think they are exciting! However I wanted something different. I ordered a Whiskey Sour instead. It was amazing! Seriously, whoever invented the Whiskey Sour is a genius. New favorite drink. Amen, and thank you Jesus.

We got some lunch to go with that, and talked for another hour. We decided our little date was over, and he hailed a cab to take me home. As I waited I started getting a little uncomfortable. He hadn't paid me yet, and it didn't look like he was going to. As a cab pulled up I finally asked him. I asked if he was going to give me anything for my time. He paused for a second and was like "I don't know what you're talking about". I knew it. I told him he had called me up from an escort site. Of course he knew it wasn't free. He said that he didn't know, that I should have asked up front because he wasn't going to pay anything. He turned around and walked into the bar.

In that moment, standing there car door open, I had a choice. I could follow him in and get my money. Or I could go home. I knew that if I went after him he wouldn't hail another cab. Or even offer to pay. But I also knew if I left I definitely wasn't getting the money. I took a step towards the bar, then turned around and got into the car.

This was my mistake, and now I know. Next time I am asking them upfront. It's either now, or never. I felt a bit cheated, but at the same time, it wasn't a bad tradeoff. I had fun conversation, alcohol and lunch. It wasn't the worst date I had ever had. I chalked it off my list, keeping a mental note to always ask up front….

Memory

I think I was raped when I was younger. I have strange memories from when I was around 12. Just standing in a bathroom naked and shivering trying not to meet my own reflection in the mirror. I can only remember this feeling of deep deep shame. Whatever it was that happened I was in shock. Funny enough, in some of my other writings I seem to feature my own reflection a lot.

Once I was seeing a psychiatrist, and I brought this memory up to her. She asked me if it was an important memory to me. If I believed that what I remembered was real. It was strange the conclusions we drew from such a simple memory. I had told her about my secret second job before, and she was pretty understanding.

She wondered if maybe my sleeping with older men was my way of piecing together this memory. I had actually wondered this myself. I seem to find myself attracted to the ones that really hurt me. Not on purpose, but somehow most of the guys I meet turn out to have a violent undertone that scares me...as much as it thrills me.

Honestly I don't know anything. But the idea is intriguing....

Force

He pushed me down at the edge, putting a hand behind my head and put it in my face telling me to suck it.

I turned my head facing away as he grabbed my hair, pulling me into his crotch. I jerked away pushing back. He kept pulling me towards him and I cried out as he covered my mouth with a hand. I fought him off as he grabbed my neck and forced me back into the sheets.

I tried to scream but found no breath in my lungs. I pulled at his hands, trying to pry them off my throat as stars sprang to my eyes and my vision blurred. He let go grabbing my wrists instead. I choked as I drew in a burning breath, tears in my eyes. He flipped me over and grabbed my ankles pulling me to the edge of the bed, pulling off my clothes, holding me down...

It was terrifying.

It was ruthless.

Nothing could have prepared me for the way I would feel for months afterwards. I feel disgusting, and ashamed. I've only told the smallest circle of friends because I can barely stand to linger on that memory.

The only comfort I had was that he used a condom. Because I didn't want to go to the hospital. Didn't want to go to the police. I didn't want this on my record. Because if I told on him, he'd tell on me too....

I tried to kill myself a few days after.

I couldn't bare the pain...


But it failed. I'm not sure if I'm relieved or not. I still live in this nightmare. But I also have friends whom I can rely on. and I love them dearly.

CD's

You know what the best part of being paid for is? You totally don't have to try to impress them. They've already chosen you. All you have to do is stay charming, keep the true feelings hidden far within yourself. I was on a 'date' with someone who was pretty overweight, but had a kind smile. The whole night he kept saying "Why would a young lad like you be interested in an old timer like me?" and I kept saying vague things like "You seem nice enough" and "Because I thought you seemed cool".

Equally boring, but they seemed to satisfy him. I didn't have the heart to say "Because you chose me, and I know you're going to pay me". While my line of work might seem a bit inglorious, I know I still have a good heart. And if I can give him an awesome night, maybe he'll be good to me too.

I ended up having a wonderful night. We stopped by a nice restaurant and shared a slice of cake and a few glasses of wine. We were one of the few people in the little café, and we started talking to the waitress who was absolutely charming. We left and walked down the street, and stopped at a music store. While we were browsing I found a music CD I had been meaning to buy. To my surprise he said he was going to buy it. Since we were on a 'date' he said I shouldn't pay for anything. It's hard not to feel a bit guilty about it. But at the same time I knew it made him happy to see me happy. I told him that would be cool, and we ended up walking out with that CD.

I didn't end up going to his place. Instead he dropped me off at my car, telling me he had a wonderful night with a charming young man. We kissed once and I got out. I listened to the CD all the way home, a lingering sensation that maybe there were still good people in the world.

First

I can still remember the first time. Meeting up with him, feeling so scared. Getting into his car and driving away. I wondered if I'd ever see the light again, or if I was just being paranoid.

Once inside his car he put a hand on my knee and told me how glad he was to see me. That he had so much he wanted to….discuss

Prior instructions, he had told me the moment I got inside I needed to strip for him. I'm still shy with my body, but for the moment, he was paying for my time…and other things

He showed me to his bedroom then left to go grab some drinks. I carefully stripped, making note of the window, and a second door out. Once I was naked I sat at the edge of his bed. A few moments later I could hear him coming down the hall. He walked in and saw me sitting there and smiled. In boths hands he held a pink drink. Said it was vodka and something else. I took it and faked a sip. I didn't want to drink something if I didn't know where it came from. And even if it was just vodka, I certainly didn't want to get drunk.
I felt another shiver up my spin as he put a hand on my shoulder

He was heavy, his skin loose and he laid on top of me thrusting. Small breaths of air escaped me. After a few minutes he finally rolled away panting. He lit a cigarette  pointed to a bathroom and told me I could get cleaned up there. I walked away with my clothes, washing quickly. I looked into the mirror. Looking into my eyes. I thought I would feel different. Selling yourself is such a taboo. But I felt just fine. Nothing had changed, I was still me.