He pushed me down at the edge, putting a hand behind my head and put it in my face telling me to suck it.
I turned my head facing away as he grabbed my hair, pulling me into his crotch. I jerked away pushing back. He kept pulling me towards him and I cried out as he covered my mouth with a hand. I fought him off as he grabbed my neck and forced me back into the sheets.
I tried to scream but found no breath in my lungs. I pulled at his hands, trying to pry them off my throat as stars sprang to my eyes and my vision blurred. He let go grabbing my wrists instead. I choked as I drew in a burning breath, tears in my eyes. He flipped me over and grabbed my ankles pulling me to the edge of the bed, pulling off my clothes, holding me down...
It was terrifying.
It was ruthless.
Nothing could have prepared me for the way I would feel for months afterwards. I feel disgusting, and ashamed. I've only told the smallest circle of friends because I can barely stand to linger on that memory.
The only comfort I had was that he used a condom. Because I didn't want to go to the hospital. Didn't want to go to the police. I didn't want this on my record. Because if I told on him, he'd tell on me too....
I tried to kill myself a few days after.
I couldn't bare the pain...
But it failed. I'm not sure if I'm relieved or not. I still live in this nightmare. But I also have friends whom I can rely on. and I love them dearly.
