Wednesday, June 24, 2015

Why every man secretly has a rape fantasy

One of the aspects of my second life that I always find so interesting, is how fast men are willing to dominate you. One of the more popular requests is "will you struggle for me?"

They get off on having a little boy squirm underneath them. On pinning your arms to your side and whispering frankly terrifying words into your ear as they roughly pound into you.

I realize that this topic might be a little close to my Rape post. But I've been saving this one as a draft for a while, and its finally time I let it out.

In my short time doing naughty things, I've noticed a trend where quite literally, the more you act like you don't enjoy it, the faster they get off. I've been a lot of personalities. The shy child, the preppy cute one. The confidant type, the slut and the Victim to name the most popular. Ironically enough, people prefer the confidant one the least. Its really for those who want the 'boyfriend' experience, while still being able to go home to their wives. The slut is the most basic for those who want to go in, act near pornographic and leave.  There is always the weird pedo teacher who likes the shy child, and usually just wants to touch you while masturbating to themselves. And the preppy cute one is usually for those wishing to feel like they are young and hip again. (Hey, I'm not trying to win any friends, I'm just telling it like it is)

But by far, by a long shot, the Victim seems to be the most popular ending so to speak. When you're acting bright and bubbly right before they push you on the bed and start getting rough. When you're shy and start crying. When your confident boyfriend bravado turns into a "Stop, you're hurting me!". And when they want to watch your slutty self gag on their huge manhood.

Its a fantasy to them, to be able to use force to get what they want. I know the hard way that some take it past fantasy into something else. But for the most part, its an act. A dance. And once you learn how to play the part they are hooked. Addicted to the feeling of power the find between the sheets.

Its not entirely a bad thing. I've noticed some people change and gain some confidence they didn't have from the start like "Look at me! I'm so manly!". While inside I laugh and roll my eyes like its a 90's sitcom, I know that somehow they've fulfilled something they had been looking for. Sometimes its just the feeling of power. Other times its a bit darker than that. A fine line between something primal, and something more spine-chilling.

Try it next time you have sex. Act like there is a part of you that doesn't like it, and is resisting. You'll be surprised at how much harder they'll cling on. Or maybe your man is the sweetest guy ever and he'll stop and feel terrible for the rest of the night :P Your call.

Monday, June 15, 2015


Every one gets paid for. Even if they don't know it. When someone takes you out to dinner, and a movie, a night on the town. Buys you a drink, a fancy ring, icecream at a shop. All of this is paying for you whether you like it or not. Once you realize this, the whole idea of selling yourself isn't so far fetched. You've already been bought before. Just now you are demanding your own price. And if someone doesn't like it, they can go ahead and move along. There is always someone willing to pay the price for a single night.

I came to this realization when I was hanging with one of my friends. He's someone I would daresay I love. Though not in the way he wants me too. He's my control sample. The one I go to when I want to know what it feels like to be loved. Because I know he loves me. So dearly it hurts. But he also knows I don't feel the same way back. But he tries so hard it's undeniably charming. Which is why on occasion, I do spend a night at his house.

And every time I do turns out to be pretty magical. He always seems to have a small surprise or gift. Be it a single t-shirt, or a piece of chocolate. I can tell he's trying which makes him irresistible. On occasion, he'll bring out a pipe and some catnip. And though I usually deny it at first, I'm usually soaring through my own imagination an hour later. Its surprisingly clarifying, and its given me so many great ideas and insights. I know there are people out there who knock it. But it really can be fun if you give it a chance.

Anyways, as I lay there, stretching as he slowly undressed me on his bed, I realized that though he may love me, he was still paying for my time. Little trinkets and an altered state of mind. But most of all, I realized that the currency I most valued, was his love. Is love itself not a form of payment? Someone gives you their devotion and their heart. Their most prized possession. Really the only truly selfless payment they have to give. Most don't expect anything in return for their love. They just want to love you. They find you flawless, and remind you how beautiful you are. They tell you your hair smells nice, and that to them you are exotically enchanting.

Maybe it goes both ways. While hes paying for sex and companionship with love and objects, am I not paying it back in reverse? I love his love, and I love his devotion. And I love the little gifts he sometimes has waiting for me. I pay for all of this with sex. With the idea that for a night he is not alone and I am there just for him. I pay him in amusement. In words and actions.

As he started pushing into me, these thoughts started to scatter. Maybe I'm just a crazy kid with crazy ideas. But as he held me as he entered me I couldn't help thinking to myself

Maybe love really isn't such a bad exchange after all....

Tuesday, June 2, 2015


It amuses me to no end that I was raped.

It was one of the most terrifying moments of my life. Feeling truly powerless, fearing that maybe they are going to kill you afterwards. You're mind racing to every horrible conclusion you have ever heard. And when you know you can't fight them off, you know that you are at their complete mercy. Their will and morals. You just pray that you make it through it, and that you'll change if you can only just escape....

But after that, after the crying and self loathing. After the fear they will find you again. After all of that you can't help but think "They wanted me so badly they took it by force".

I know that rape is often a powerplay. A chance for them to feel oh so manly and tough that they can hold down a 120lb crying kid and forcibly penetrate them. In that moment they truly hold your fate in their hands, and the only thing you can do is pray they don't end your life.

It was awful. There is no denying the fear that was there. It was horrifying. I still remember thinking that all I wanted to do was tell my mom I loved her, just one last time. It was a powerful moment. It made me rethink a lot of the choices I was making. What if that really was the end? That at the end of this violent act I would find the end of a knife, or his hands around my throat..... That I would simply disappear from the world. Last thing I'd look at was my phone on the floor by my pants, wishing it was somehow in my hands....

I made it out alive, thank god. He threw me my clothes and ordered me to get out. I ran as fast as I could. Never mind I was in my underwear at 3 in the morning on a freezing January night. Barefeet on ice. I just wanted to be as far away from there as possible in case he changed his mind......

I remember going home to my boyfriend and just crying on him.... He always had an idea what I was doing behind his back. But never asked any questions because he was pretty much doing the same. He held me all throughout the night, and never questioned why I suddenly didn't want to have sex anymore. I think he knew, but he wanted me to say something first....

As I learned to cope with it, it started coming back to me. My original selfish reason I wanted to be an escort in the first place. I wanted to be wanted. Once I started seeing it in that light, it wasn't so bad... I started liking the idea that someone wanted me that badly. That they were willing to break the law (more than we already were) and risk prison just to get their satisfaction.

I once voiced this aloud, and my friend told me they weren't in it for me. They were in it for the power. God-dammit, if this is what helps me sleep at night, let me have it! Let me keep my little fantasy! It's not hurting you, though it is helping me. and now, so many weeks later, I can't help but be slightly amused by the idea. Someone wanted me that much....

Wednesday, May 27, 2015


I fell and floated into the sheets that fluffed out in every direction. My hazy mind making me believe for half a second I was still in a sea of clouds.

I was in my friends flat. He had picked me up to 'hangout' with him. When we reached his house he lit up some mary and passed it to me. I'm not a big fan of altered states of mind. I love them, but I have such an addictive personality I'm afraid I might abuse it. If my thoughts towards sex were any indication, I often couldn't help myself.

It funny the ideas your mind plays when your altered. I always feel like I am flying, and simultaneous moving between time like frames in a movie. Shifting dimension with every breath. I remember the first time I smoked with him. We laid staring at the ceiling, and I started laughing because the ceiling tile to the roof looked like a framed picture of the roof. Then I had the idea, what if you painted that panel like a famous artwork, like the Mona Lisa, or Starry night, and then put it back on the ceiling so it looked like you had a framed picture there. I couldn't stop laughing, I found it so funny.

Another I was sitting at the bottom of a shower. He was standing over me, and I had been doing some things with my mouth. He stepped out of the stream, and the water cascaded over me. I closed my eyes and immediately I was on the ocean floor, a cold tide moving around me as I stood at the edge of a coral reef. Slightly dark blue water submerging me as I stared over the coral, soggy clothes fluttering around me. I remember seeing this and keeping my eyes closed. Such a beautiful scene, I didn't want to lose it.

As the sea of cloud sheets settled down I rolled over onto my back so I was staring back at the ceiling. I could hear him in the bathroom water running from the tap as he did god knows what. I sank further into the downy sheets. I knew he kept them on his bed special for me. I'm always cold and want them. After a while he came back in. My eyes closed I imagined I could see the fun above a sea of clouds. A hand settled on my chest, and my legs were thrown around shoulders. I could feel the slippery of high-quality lube being pushed into me. I gave a gentle moan. This would be the 3rd time that evening we had done it.

First time on the couch where he wanted to use a (huge!) toy. I told him I was feeling vanilla, but that didn't stop him from still eventually holding me down and using it anyways.

Sometimes I wonder what I am doing with him anyways. He is a bit older, but not super old. Still, doing the math, when I was born he was 13. and when he was legal I was 5. I once told him this math and he was disgusted with me for even bringing it up. A fine response to such a tricky comment. Still. At times when he makes me feel powerless I always wonder what a 5 year old could do against an 18 year old anyways....

The second time was also on the couch, though much faster than the first. So later when I moved to his room, I figured we were done.

I cried out with the first impact. After twice earlier you really are sore down there, and I really didn't want to do it again. He ignored my cries and pushed forward anyways

We have developed a sort of dance, where when I start feeling too sore I tell him I can't take it anymore. Usually he speeds up faster until he comes. When I can't take it more than that I arc my back and try to move away. This is usually when he really holds me down. I have tried to get away before and he has held me pretty firm. The more I struggle the faster he comes. He gets off on dominating as much as I get off on being dominated. As I once read on a patch, the faster you scream the louder we come (talking about EMTs)

Wednesday, May 20, 2015


There are different kinds of sex. I'm going to name just a few

The first is Smooth. It is perfectly lubed up and everything just glides.

There is the Gritty/tacky. Its low quality lube, and very quickly feel very tacky and pully. Its not very fun at all.

The other is Deep. Where you can feel they are pushing through the other side. It's a really strange feeling.

Others feel Tight, where every movement is felt everywhere at once. Where it feels like the might be splitting you in half right down the middle.

There is the dirty kind where you just feel gross. Where the person fucking you just brings up unpleasant connections and you just hope to have it end.

The celestial kind where you are genuinely interested in someone who is also interested in you. Awfully rare to be honest....

Revenge sex. When you sleep with a crushes boyfriends because if you can't have them, their partner can't either. I'm a shallow bitch, and guys are petty as hell.

Angry sex. When you have just gotten into a fight and you sex it out. Incredibly exciting, and passionate.

First time sex. Those individuals who either haven't done it ever, or very little. Who are working on their technique. Usually kind lovers, if a bit boring.

Worship sex. Uniquely my favorite type, especially the line of play I'm in. People that pay for you also tend to worship you as the hottest thing they have ever laid eyes on. Flattering for sure. When they are literally paying for your time, you could do a lot worse than have someone idolize you.

Dominating sex. I was going to end this list at 10. But I feel like this list isn't complete without mentioning the dominating types. There are those who literally want you to squirm. They want you to beg for them to stop. To struggle against them until they feel you are powerless to them. These are the moments I very carefully watch their movements and gauge their strength. I may act weak and powerless. But if it came down to it, I am so much more than that!

Monday, May 11, 2015


Guy like to be rough almost as much as they like to be soft. But when they are paying for your time, rough is usually the norm.

We're in the back of a car, a blanket below us. It's a little warm, but I don't mind. A breeze blows through a gap in a window. He's straddling me, pushing my shoulder-blades so I'm pressed into the seat. I can feel him 'position' himself, then press in as hard as he can. Pressure! Pop! Then he's in.

The same words cross my mind every time.

First Impact.

Its always the same. A mix of ecstasy and pain. Of being forced into, and feeling the release that comes with the thought I'm being taken.

First Impact. I'm sure I read those words somewhere before, but I can never quite remember what they are from. But it describes it perfectly. First Impact.

To be honest, the first impact is my favorite part, right up there to the point when its over. Not that I don't enjoy sex, its my drug of choice. But between the moaning and gripping of sheets, I find the very beginning when it first starts, and the very end when they gasp moaning the best. The two most powerful moments. The foreplay that makes them want to rip my clothes off, and the finale, when they collapse breathing heavily, tousling my hair and telling me it was amazing.

But it always stay with me.

First Impact.

Monday, April 20, 2015


I'm anorexic.

Whenever I get hungry I repeat this mantra to myself

Thin is in

I tell this to myself as I practically dream of food. I imagine myself walking to the kitchen and making something. Anything! But I ignore it

Thin is in

At times I give into my hunger, and make something for myself. While I'm cooking it all I can imagine is how delicious its going to taste.

Thin is in

But then when I'm finished I just stare at it. Maybe take a nibble before feeling revolted and sick. I dump it in the trash.

Thin is in

It hurts my heart to waste food. I know what its like to not know if there is going to be a next meal. But when I look at whatever it is I've prepared, my stomach turns. I feel like I'm going to be sick.

Thin is in

Once I start getting thin enough that people ask, I start eating again. I force myself to eat.

Thin is in

Its not that I don't enjoy food. I love food! and eating! Its so amazing and delicious! Any bad day can be turned around with food.

Thin is in

Its when I start feeling fat. When I look in the mirror and notice I'm a little rounder. Thats when it starts all over again. Because thats when I can hear the voice in my head.

Thin is in