Exchange

Every one gets paid for. Even if they don't know it. When someone takes you out to dinner, and a movie, a night on the town. Buys you a drink, a fancy ring, icecream at a shop. All of this is paying for you whether you like it or not. Once you realize this, the whole idea of selling yourself isn't so far fetched. You've already been bought before. Just now you are demanding your own price. And if someone doesn't like it, they can go ahead and move along. There is always someone willing to pay the price for a single night.

I came to this realization when I was hanging with one of my friends. He's someone I would daresay I love. Though not in the way he wants me too. He's my control sample. The one I go to when I want to know what it feels like to be loved. Because I know he loves me. So dearly it hurts. But he also knows I don't feel the same way back. But he tries so hard it's undeniably charming. Which is why on occasion, I do spend a night at his house.

And every time I do turns out to be pretty magical. He always seems to have a small surprise or gift. Be it a single t-shirt, or a piece of chocolate. I can tell he's trying which makes him irresistible. On occasion, he'll bring out a pipe and some catnip. And though I usually deny it at first, I'm usually soaring through my own imagination an hour later. Its surprisingly clarifying, and its given me so many great ideas and insights. I know there are people out there who knock it. But it really can be fun if you give it a chance.

Anyways, as I lay there, stretching as he slowly undressed me on his bed, I realized that though he may love me, he was still paying for my time. Little trinkets and an altered state of mind. But most of all, I realized that the currency I most valued, was his love. Is love itself not a form of payment? Someone gives you their devotion and their heart. Their most prized possession. Really the only truly selfless payment they have to give. Most don't expect anything in return for their love. They just want to love you. They find you flawless, and remind you how beautiful you are. They tell you your hair smells nice, and that to them you are exotically enchanting.

Maybe it goes both ways. While hes paying for sex and companionship with love and objects, am I not paying it back in reverse? I love his love, and I love his devotion. And I love the little gifts he sometimes has waiting for me. I pay for all of this with sex. With the idea that for a night he is not alone and I am there just for him. I pay him in amusement. In words and actions.

As he started pushing into me, these thoughts started to scatter. Maybe I'm just a crazy kid with crazy ideas. But as he held me as he entered me I couldn't help thinking to myself

Maybe love really isn't such a bad exchange after all....