One of the aspects of my second life that I always find so interesting, is how fast men are willing to dominate you. One of the more popular requests is "will you struggle for me?"
They get off on having a little boy squirm underneath them. On pinning your arms to your side and whispering frankly terrifying words into your ear as they roughly pound into you.
I realize that this topic might be a little close to my Rape post. But I've been saving this one as a draft for a while, and its finally time I let it out.
In my short time doing naughty things, I've noticed a trend where quite literally, the more you act like you don't enjoy it, the faster they get off. I've been a lot of personalities. The shy child, the preppy cute one. The confidant type, the slut and the Victim to name the most popular. Ironically enough, people prefer the confidant one the least. Its really for those who want the 'boyfriend' experience, while still being able to go home to their wives. The slut is the most basic for those who want to go in, act near pornographic and leave. There is always the weird pedo teacher who likes the shy child, and usually just wants to touch you while masturbating to themselves. And the preppy cute one is usually for those wishing to feel like they are young and hip again. (Hey, I'm not trying to win any friends, I'm just telling it like it is)
But by far, by a long shot, the Victim seems to be the most popular ending so to speak. When you're acting bright and bubbly right before they push you on the bed and start getting rough. When you're shy and start crying. When your confident boyfriend bravado turns into a "Stop, you're hurting me!". And when they want to watch your slutty self gag on their huge manhood.
Its a fantasy to them, to be able to use force to get what they want. I know the hard way that some take it past fantasy into something else. But for the most part, its an act. A dance. And once you learn how to play the part they are hooked. Addicted to the feeling of power the find between the sheets.
Its not entirely a bad thing. I've noticed some people change and gain some confidence they didn't have from the start like "Look at me! I'm so manly!". While inside I laugh and roll my eyes like its a 90's sitcom, I know that somehow they've fulfilled something they had been looking for. Sometimes its just the feeling of power. Other times its a bit darker than that. A fine line between something primal, and something more spine-chilling.
Try it next time you have sex. Act like there is a part of you that doesn't like it, and is resisting. You'll be surprised at how much harder they'll cling on. Or maybe your man is the sweetest guy ever and he'll stop and feel terrible for the rest of the night :P Your call.
Wednesday, June 24, 2015
Monday, June 15, 2015
Exchange
Every one gets paid for. Even if they don't know it. When someone takes you out to dinner, and a movie, a night on the town. Buys you a drink, a fancy ring, icecream at a shop. All of this is paying for you whether you like it or not. Once you realize this, the whole idea of selling yourself isn't so far fetched. You've already been bought before. Just now you are demanding your own price. And if someone doesn't like it, they can go ahead and move along. There is always someone willing to pay the price for a single night.
I came to this realization when I was hanging with one of my friends. He's someone I would daresay I love. Though not in the way he wants me too. He's my control sample. The one I go to when I want to know what it feels like to be loved. Because I know he loves me. So dearly it hurts. But he also knows I don't feel the same way back. But he tries so hard it's undeniably charming. Which is why on occasion, I do spend a night at his house.
And every time I do turns out to be pretty magical. He always seems to have a small surprise or gift. Be it a single t-shirt, or a piece of chocolate. I can tell he's trying which makes him irresistible. On occasion, he'll bring out a pipe and some catnip. And though I usually deny it at first, I'm usually soaring through my own imagination an hour later. Its surprisingly clarifying, and its given me so many great ideas and insights. I know there are people out there who knock it. But it really can be fun if you give it a chance.
Anyways, as I lay there, stretching as he slowly undressed me on his bed, I realized that though he may love me, he was still paying for my time. Little trinkets and an altered state of mind. But most of all, I realized that the currency I most valued, was his love. Is love itself not a form of payment? Someone gives you their devotion and their heart. Their most prized possession. Really the only truly selfless payment they have to give. Most don't expect anything in return for their love. They just want to love you. They find you flawless, and remind you how beautiful you are. They tell you your hair smells nice, and that to them you are exotically enchanting.
Maybe it goes both ways. While hes paying for sex and companionship with love and objects, am I not paying it back in reverse? I love his love, and I love his devotion. And I love the little gifts he sometimes has waiting for me. I pay for all of this with sex. With the idea that for a night he is not alone and I am there just for him. I pay him in amusement. In words and actions.
As he started pushing into me, these thoughts started to scatter. Maybe I'm just a crazy kid with crazy ideas. But as he held me as he entered me I couldn't help thinking to myself
Maybe love really isn't such a bad exchange after all....
I came to this realization when I was hanging with one of my friends. He's someone I would daresay I love. Though not in the way he wants me too. He's my control sample. The one I go to when I want to know what it feels like to be loved. Because I know he loves me. So dearly it hurts. But he also knows I don't feel the same way back. But he tries so hard it's undeniably charming. Which is why on occasion, I do spend a night at his house.
And every time I do turns out to be pretty magical. He always seems to have a small surprise or gift. Be it a single t-shirt, or a piece of chocolate. I can tell he's trying which makes him irresistible. On occasion, he'll bring out a pipe and some catnip. And though I usually deny it at first, I'm usually soaring through my own imagination an hour later. Its surprisingly clarifying, and its given me so many great ideas and insights. I know there are people out there who knock it. But it really can be fun if you give it a chance.
Anyways, as I lay there, stretching as he slowly undressed me on his bed, I realized that though he may love me, he was still paying for my time. Little trinkets and an altered state of mind. But most of all, I realized that the currency I most valued, was his love. Is love itself not a form of payment? Someone gives you their devotion and their heart. Their most prized possession. Really the only truly selfless payment they have to give. Most don't expect anything in return for their love. They just want to love you. They find you flawless, and remind you how beautiful you are. They tell you your hair smells nice, and that to them you are exotically enchanting.
Maybe it goes both ways. While hes paying for sex and companionship with love and objects, am I not paying it back in reverse? I love his love, and I love his devotion. And I love the little gifts he sometimes has waiting for me. I pay for all of this with sex. With the idea that for a night he is not alone and I am there just for him. I pay him in amusement. In words and actions.
As he started pushing into me, these thoughts started to scatter. Maybe I'm just a crazy kid with crazy ideas. But as he held me as he entered me I couldn't help thinking to myself
Maybe love really isn't such a bad exchange after all....
Tuesday, June 2, 2015
Rape
It amuses me to no end that I was raped.
It was one of the most terrifying moments of my life. Feeling truly powerless, fearing that maybe they are going to kill you afterwards. You're mind racing to every horrible conclusion you have ever heard. And when you know you can't fight them off, you know that you are at their complete mercy. Their will and morals. You just pray that you make it through it, and that you'll change if you can only just escape....
But after that, after the crying and self loathing. After the fear they will find you again. After all of that you can't help but think "They wanted me so badly they took it by force".
I know that rape is often a powerplay. A chance for them to feel oh so manly and tough that they can hold down a 120lb crying kid and forcibly penetrate them. In that moment they truly hold your fate in their hands, and the only thing you can do is pray they don't end your life.
It was awful. There is no denying the fear that was there. It was horrifying. I still remember thinking that all I wanted to do was tell my mom I loved her, just one last time. It was a powerful moment. It made me rethink a lot of the choices I was making. What if that really was the end? That at the end of this violent act I would find the end of a knife, or his hands around my throat..... That I would simply disappear from the world. Last thing I'd look at was my phone on the floor by my pants, wishing it was somehow in my hands....
I made it out alive, thank god. He threw me my clothes and ordered me to get out. I ran as fast as I could. Never mind I was in my underwear at 3 in the morning on a freezing January night. Barefeet on ice. I just wanted to be as far away from there as possible in case he changed his mind......
I remember going home to my boyfriend and just crying on him.... He always had an idea what I was doing behind his back. But never asked any questions because he was pretty much doing the same. He held me all throughout the night, and never questioned why I suddenly didn't want to have sex anymore. I think he knew, but he wanted me to say something first....
As I learned to cope with it, it started coming back to me. My original selfish reason I wanted to be an escort in the first place. I wanted to be wanted. Once I started seeing it in that light, it wasn't so bad... I started liking the idea that someone wanted me that badly. That they were willing to break the law (more than we already were) and risk prison just to get their satisfaction.
I once voiced this aloud, and my friend told me they weren't in it for me. They were in it for the power. God-dammit, if this is what helps me sleep at night, let me have it! Let me keep my little fantasy! It's not hurting you, though it is helping me. and now, so many weeks later, I can't help but be slightly amused by the idea. Someone wanted me that much....
It was one of the most terrifying moments of my life. Feeling truly powerless, fearing that maybe they are going to kill you afterwards. You're mind racing to every horrible conclusion you have ever heard. And when you know you can't fight them off, you know that you are at their complete mercy. Their will and morals. You just pray that you make it through it, and that you'll change if you can only just escape....
But after that, after the crying and self loathing. After the fear they will find you again. After all of that you can't help but think "They wanted me so badly they took it by force".
I know that rape is often a powerplay. A chance for them to feel oh so manly and tough that they can hold down a 120lb crying kid and forcibly penetrate them. In that moment they truly hold your fate in their hands, and the only thing you can do is pray they don't end your life.
It was awful. There is no denying the fear that was there. It was horrifying. I still remember thinking that all I wanted to do was tell my mom I loved her, just one last time. It was a powerful moment. It made me rethink a lot of the choices I was making. What if that really was the end? That at the end of this violent act I would find the end of a knife, or his hands around my throat..... That I would simply disappear from the world. Last thing I'd look at was my phone on the floor by my pants, wishing it was somehow in my hands....
I made it out alive, thank god. He threw me my clothes and ordered me to get out. I ran as fast as I could. Never mind I was in my underwear at 3 in the morning on a freezing January night. Barefeet on ice. I just wanted to be as far away from there as possible in case he changed his mind......
I remember going home to my boyfriend and just crying on him.... He always had an idea what I was doing behind his back. But never asked any questions because he was pretty much doing the same. He held me all throughout the night, and never questioned why I suddenly didn't want to have sex anymore. I think he knew, but he wanted me to say something first....
As I learned to cope with it, it started coming back to me. My original selfish reason I wanted to be an escort in the first place. I wanted to be wanted. Once I started seeing it in that light, it wasn't so bad... I started liking the idea that someone wanted me that badly. That they were willing to break the law (more than we already were) and risk prison just to get their satisfaction.
I once voiced this aloud, and my friend told me they weren't in it for me. They were in it for the power. God-dammit, if this is what helps me sleep at night, let me have it! Let me keep my little fantasy! It's not hurting you, though it is helping me. and now, so many weeks later, I can't help but be slightly amused by the idea. Someone wanted me that much....
Wednesday, May 27, 2015
Sheets
I fell and floated into the sheets that fluffed out in every direction. My hazy mind making me believe for half a second I was still in a sea of clouds.
I was in my friends flat. He had picked me up to 'hangout' with him. When we reached his house he lit up some mary and passed it to me. I'm not a big fan of altered states of mind. I love them, but I have such an addictive personality I'm afraid I might abuse it. If my thoughts towards sex were any indication, I often couldn't help myself.
It funny the ideas your mind plays when your altered. I always feel like I am flying, and simultaneous moving between time like frames in a movie. Shifting dimension with every breath. I remember the first time I smoked with him. We laid staring at the ceiling, and I started laughing because the ceiling tile to the roof looked like a framed picture of the roof. Then I had the idea, what if you painted that panel like a famous artwork, like the Mona Lisa, or Starry night, and then put it back on the ceiling so it looked like you had a framed picture there. I couldn't stop laughing, I found it so funny.
Another I was sitting at the bottom of a shower. He was standing over me, and I had been doing some things with my mouth. He stepped out of the stream, and the water cascaded over me. I closed my eyes and immediately I was on the ocean floor, a cold tide moving around me as I stood at the edge of a coral reef. Slightly dark blue water submerging me as I stared over the coral, soggy clothes fluttering around me. I remember seeing this and keeping my eyes closed. Such a beautiful scene, I didn't want to lose it.
As the sea of cloud sheets settled down I rolled over onto my back so I was staring back at the ceiling. I could hear him in the bathroom water running from the tap as he did god knows what. I sank further into the downy sheets. I knew he kept them on his bed special for me. I'm always cold and want them. After a while he came back in. My eyes closed I imagined I could see the fun above a sea of clouds. A hand settled on my chest, and my legs were thrown around shoulders. I could feel the slippery of high-quality lube being pushed into me. I gave a gentle moan. This would be the 3rd time that evening we had done it.
First time on the couch where he wanted to use a (huge!) toy. I told him I was feeling vanilla, but that didn't stop him from still eventually holding me down and using it anyways.
Sometimes I wonder what I am doing with him anyways. He is a bit older, but not super old. Still, doing the math, when I was born he was 13. and when he was legal I was 5. I once told him this math and he was disgusted with me for even bringing it up. A fine response to such a tricky comment. Still. At times when he makes me feel powerless I always wonder what a 5 year old could do against an 18 year old anyways....
The second time was also on the couch, though much faster than the first. So later when I moved to his room, I figured we were done.
I cried out with the first impact. After twice earlier you really are sore down there, and I really didn't want to do it again. He ignored my cries and pushed forward anyways
We have developed a sort of dance, where when I start feeling too sore I tell him I can't take it anymore. Usually he speeds up faster until he comes. When I can't take it more than that I arc my back and try to move away. This is usually when he really holds me down. I have tried to get away before and he has held me pretty firm. The more I struggle the faster he comes. He gets off on dominating as much as I get off on being dominated. As I once read on a patch, the faster you scream the louder we come (talking about EMTs)
I was in my friends flat. He had picked me up to 'hangout' with him. When we reached his house he lit up some mary and passed it to me. I'm not a big fan of altered states of mind. I love them, but I have such an addictive personality I'm afraid I might abuse it. If my thoughts towards sex were any indication, I often couldn't help myself.
It funny the ideas your mind plays when your altered. I always feel like I am flying, and simultaneous moving between time like frames in a movie. Shifting dimension with every breath. I remember the first time I smoked with him. We laid staring at the ceiling, and I started laughing because the ceiling tile to the roof looked like a framed picture of the roof. Then I had the idea, what if you painted that panel like a famous artwork, like the Mona Lisa, or Starry night, and then put it back on the ceiling so it looked like you had a framed picture there. I couldn't stop laughing, I found it so funny.
Another I was sitting at the bottom of a shower. He was standing over me, and I had been doing some things with my mouth. He stepped out of the stream, and the water cascaded over me. I closed my eyes and immediately I was on the ocean floor, a cold tide moving around me as I stood at the edge of a coral reef. Slightly dark blue water submerging me as I stared over the coral, soggy clothes fluttering around me. I remember seeing this and keeping my eyes closed. Such a beautiful scene, I didn't want to lose it.
As the sea of cloud sheets settled down I rolled over onto my back so I was staring back at the ceiling. I could hear him in the bathroom water running from the tap as he did god knows what. I sank further into the downy sheets. I knew he kept them on his bed special for me. I'm always cold and want them. After a while he came back in. My eyes closed I imagined I could see the fun above a sea of clouds. A hand settled on my chest, and my legs were thrown around shoulders. I could feel the slippery of high-quality lube being pushed into me. I gave a gentle moan. This would be the 3rd time that evening we had done it.
First time on the couch where he wanted to use a (huge!) toy. I told him I was feeling vanilla, but that didn't stop him from still eventually holding me down and using it anyways.
Sometimes I wonder what I am doing with him anyways. He is a bit older, but not super old. Still, doing the math, when I was born he was 13. and when he was legal I was 5. I once told him this math and he was disgusted with me for even bringing it up. A fine response to such a tricky comment. Still. At times when he makes me feel powerless I always wonder what a 5 year old could do against an 18 year old anyways....
The second time was also on the couch, though much faster than the first. So later when I moved to his room, I figured we were done.
I cried out with the first impact. After twice earlier you really are sore down there, and I really didn't want to do it again. He ignored my cries and pushed forward anyways
We have developed a sort of dance, where when I start feeling too sore I tell him I can't take it anymore. Usually he speeds up faster until he comes. When I can't take it more than that I arc my back and try to move away. This is usually when he really holds me down. I have tried to get away before and he has held me pretty firm. The more I struggle the faster he comes. He gets off on dominating as much as I get off on being dominated. As I once read on a patch, the faster you scream the louder we come (talking about EMTs)
Wednesday, May 20, 2015
Differences
There are different kinds of sex. I'm going to name just a few
The first is Smooth. It is perfectly lubed up and everything just glides.
There is the Gritty/tacky. Its low quality lube, and very quickly feel very tacky and pully. Its not very fun at all.
The other is Deep. Where you can feel they are pushing through the other side. It's a really strange feeling.
Others feel Tight, where every movement is felt everywhere at once. Where it feels like the might be splitting you in half right down the middle.
There is the dirty kind where you just feel gross. Where the person fucking you just brings up unpleasant connections and you just hope to have it end.
The celestial kind where you are genuinely interested in someone who is also interested in you. Awfully rare to be honest....
Revenge sex. When you sleep with a crushes boyfriends because if you can't have them, their partner can't either. I'm a shallow bitch, and guys are petty as hell.
Angry sex. When you have just gotten into a fight and you sex it out. Incredibly exciting, and passionate.
First time sex. Those individuals who either haven't done it ever, or very little. Who are working on their technique. Usually kind lovers, if a bit boring.
Worship sex. Uniquely my favorite type, especially the line of play I'm in. People that pay for you also tend to worship you as the hottest thing they have ever laid eyes on. Flattering for sure. When they are literally paying for your time, you could do a lot worse than have someone idolize you.
Dominating sex. I was going to end this list at 10. But I feel like this list isn't complete without mentioning the dominating types. There are those who literally want you to squirm. They want you to beg for them to stop. To struggle against them until they feel you are powerless to them. These are the moments I very carefully watch their movements and gauge their strength. I may act weak and powerless. But if it came down to it, I am so much more than that!
The first is Smooth. It is perfectly lubed up and everything just glides.
There is the Gritty/tacky. Its low quality lube, and very quickly feel very tacky and pully. Its not very fun at all.
The other is Deep. Where you can feel they are pushing through the other side. It's a really strange feeling.
Others feel Tight, where every movement is felt everywhere at once. Where it feels like the might be splitting you in half right down the middle.
There is the dirty kind where you just feel gross. Where the person fucking you just brings up unpleasant connections and you just hope to have it end.
The celestial kind where you are genuinely interested in someone who is also interested in you. Awfully rare to be honest....
Revenge sex. When you sleep with a crushes boyfriends because if you can't have them, their partner can't either. I'm a shallow bitch, and guys are petty as hell.
Angry sex. When you have just gotten into a fight and you sex it out. Incredibly exciting, and passionate.
First time sex. Those individuals who either haven't done it ever, or very little. Who are working on their technique. Usually kind lovers, if a bit boring.
Worship sex. Uniquely my favorite type, especially the line of play I'm in. People that pay for you also tend to worship you as the hottest thing they have ever laid eyes on. Flattering for sure. When they are literally paying for your time, you could do a lot worse than have someone idolize you.
Dominating sex. I was going to end this list at 10. But I feel like this list isn't complete without mentioning the dominating types. There are those who literally want you to squirm. They want you to beg for them to stop. To struggle against them until they feel you are powerless to them. These are the moments I very carefully watch their movements and gauge their strength. I may act weak and powerless. But if it came down to it, I am so much more than that!
Monday, May 11, 2015
Impact
Guy like to be rough almost as much as they like to be soft. But when they are paying for your time, rough is usually the norm.
We're in the back of a car, a blanket below us. It's a little warm, but I don't mind. A breeze blows through a gap in a window. He's straddling me, pushing my shoulder-blades so I'm pressed into the seat. I can feel him 'position' himself, then press in as hard as he can. Pressure! Pop! Then he's in.
The same words cross my mind every time.
First Impact.
Its always the same. A mix of ecstasy and pain. Of being forced into, and feeling the release that comes with the thought I'm being taken.
First Impact. I'm sure I read those words somewhere before, but I can never quite remember what they are from. But it describes it perfectly. First Impact.
To be honest, the first impact is my favorite part, right up there to the point when its over. Not that I don't enjoy sex, its my drug of choice. But between the moaning and gripping of sheets, I find the very beginning when it first starts, and the very end when they gasp moaning the best. The two most powerful moments. The foreplay that makes them want to rip my clothes off, and the finale, when they collapse breathing heavily, tousling my hair and telling me it was amazing.
But it always stay with me.
First Impact.
We're in the back of a car, a blanket below us. It's a little warm, but I don't mind. A breeze blows through a gap in a window. He's straddling me, pushing my shoulder-blades so I'm pressed into the seat. I can feel him 'position' himself, then press in as hard as he can. Pressure! Pop! Then he's in.
The same words cross my mind every time.
First Impact.
Its always the same. A mix of ecstasy and pain. Of being forced into, and feeling the release that comes with the thought I'm being taken.
First Impact. I'm sure I read those words somewhere before, but I can never quite remember what they are from. But it describes it perfectly. First Impact.
To be honest, the first impact is my favorite part, right up there to the point when its over. Not that I don't enjoy sex, its my drug of choice. But between the moaning and gripping of sheets, I find the very beginning when it first starts, and the very end when they gasp moaning the best. The two most powerful moments. The foreplay that makes them want to rip my clothes off, and the finale, when they collapse breathing heavily, tousling my hair and telling me it was amazing.
But it always stay with me.
First Impact.
Monday, April 20, 2015
Thin
I'm anorexic.
Whenever I get hungry I repeat this mantra to myself
Thin is in
I tell this to myself as I practically dream of food. I imagine myself walking to the kitchen and making something. Anything! But I ignore it
Thin is in
At times I give into my hunger, and make something for myself. While I'm cooking it all I can imagine is how delicious its going to taste.
Thin is in
But then when I'm finished I just stare at it. Maybe take a nibble before feeling revolted and sick. I dump it in the trash.
Thin is in
It hurts my heart to waste food. I know what its like to not know if there is going to be a next meal. But when I look at whatever it is I've prepared, my stomach turns. I feel like I'm going to be sick.
Thin is in
Once I start getting thin enough that people ask, I start eating again. I force myself to eat.
Thin is in
Its not that I don't enjoy food. I love food! and eating! Its so amazing and delicious! Any bad day can be turned around with food.
Thin is in
Its when I start feeling fat. When I look in the mirror and notice I'm a little rounder. Thats when it starts all over again. Because thats when I can hear the voice in my head.
Thin is in
Friday, April 3, 2015
Upfront
I woke up groggily. My phone was ringing a quiet tune. My second line. A second job.
"Hello?" I answered trying not to sound too tired.
"Hi, you sound tired, is this a good time?" A voice on the other line answered.
"I was just about to go to bed, whats up?" I answered
"I'm currently staying at the Hilton, and I wondered what's the soonest you could come up here."
Another job. I looked at the clock. 2 in the morning. I debated for a moment. I could fall asleep and continue my day like normal. Or I could take this job and make some money. I looked at the clock again 2:01. Sleep is overrated anyways.
I found a cab and 45 minutes later I was stepping out of the car.
I had been texting this guy the whole way up, and he seemed really funny. After the cab drove away The guy hugged me and said he was so happy I could make it up. I told him honestly I was seconds away from falling asleep when he called. That it was just luck there was someone willing to drive a few towns away.
We went up to his room. It was 15 stories up. And the view from the window was spectacular. Just absolutely gorgeous! And there was a painting on a wall that reminded me of Jupiter. He opened a fridge and pulled out a bunch of beers. He told me I could take one if I wanted. I went chose one that seemed like it would be tame. After popping the top and taking a sip I jerked back. I was so gross! Like a chemical bath of gross. I noticed my face and asked if everything was alright. I told him it was just incredibly dark. He took a sip and made the same face. It was too dark for either of us and we tossed it before finding something a bit lighter.
I sat down at the edge of the bed, sipping the drink. I usually tried not to drink if I wasn't in a public place, but he had a calming air around him. He was funny, and I found I trusted him pretty fast. We ended up lying on his bed just talking for hours. He asked me all sorts of questions about my life, and I asked him questions about his. He is a partner in a growing internet based firm. That he had an apartment being built that should be finished in a week. He told me stories from his past and we both had some fun. Later on we put on a movie. It was something I had wanted to see because of the main actor in it. After the movie we realized the sun was rising outside the window. We had literally talked the night away. He said he was going to shower, and I told him I'd probably be asleep by the time he got out.
I heard the water start to run, and then nothing as I fell asleep.
I woke to something moving beneath the sheets. I gasped and arched my back, fully awake. It wasn't that he was big, it was that it was a surprise.
A few minutes later I was falling back to sleep….
-
We woke up at noon, and he said he was hungry. We got dressed and went outside. He hailed a cab, and a few minutes later we were standing at the edge of a rooftop café. The breeze blowing over the city was soothing, and I wished I could drift away with it. To simply float away into the sky. We sat down at a bar and he asked what I wanted to drink. Usually I like Bloody Mary's. I think they are exciting! However I wanted something different. I ordered a Whiskey Sour instead. It was amazing! Seriously, whoever invented the Whiskey Sour is a genius. New favorite drink. Amen, and thank you Jesus.
We got some lunch to go with that, and talked for another hour. We decided our little date was over, and he hailed a cab to take me home. As I waited I started getting a little uncomfortable. He hadn't paid me yet, and it didn't look like he was going to. As a cab pulled up I finally asked him. I asked if he was going to give me anything for my time. He paused for a second and was like "I don't know what you're talking about". I knew it. I told him he had called me up from an escort site. Of course he knew it wasn't free. He said that he didn't know, that I should have asked up front because he wasn't going to pay anything. He turned around and walked into the bar.
In that moment, standing there car door open, I had a choice. I could follow him in and get my money. Or I could go home. I knew that if I went after him he wouldn't hail another cab. Or even offer to pay. But I also knew if I left I definitely wasn't getting the money. I took a step towards the bar, then turned around and got into the car.
This was my mistake, and now I know. Next time I am asking them upfront. It's either now, or never. I felt a bit cheated, but at the same time, it wasn't a bad tradeoff. I had fun conversation, alcohol and lunch. It wasn't the worst date I had ever had. I chalked it off my list, keeping a mental note to always ask up front….
"Hello?" I answered trying not to sound too tired.
"Hi, you sound tired, is this a good time?" A voice on the other line answered.
"I was just about to go to bed, whats up?" I answered
"I'm currently staying at the Hilton, and I wondered what's the soonest you could come up here."
Another job. I looked at the clock. 2 in the morning. I debated for a moment. I could fall asleep and continue my day like normal. Or I could take this job and make some money. I looked at the clock again 2:01. Sleep is overrated anyways.
I found a cab and 45 minutes later I was stepping out of the car.
I had been texting this guy the whole way up, and he seemed really funny. After the cab drove away The guy hugged me and said he was so happy I could make it up. I told him honestly I was seconds away from falling asleep when he called. That it was just luck there was someone willing to drive a few towns away.
We went up to his room. It was 15 stories up. And the view from the window was spectacular. Just absolutely gorgeous! And there was a painting on a wall that reminded me of Jupiter. He opened a fridge and pulled out a bunch of beers. He told me I could take one if I wanted. I went chose one that seemed like it would be tame. After popping the top and taking a sip I jerked back. I was so gross! Like a chemical bath of gross. I noticed my face and asked if everything was alright. I told him it was just incredibly dark. He took a sip and made the same face. It was too dark for either of us and we tossed it before finding something a bit lighter.
I sat down at the edge of the bed, sipping the drink. I usually tried not to drink if I wasn't in a public place, but he had a calming air around him. He was funny, and I found I trusted him pretty fast. We ended up lying on his bed just talking for hours. He asked me all sorts of questions about my life, and I asked him questions about his. He is a partner in a growing internet based firm. That he had an apartment being built that should be finished in a week. He told me stories from his past and we both had some fun. Later on we put on a movie. It was something I had wanted to see because of the main actor in it. After the movie we realized the sun was rising outside the window. We had literally talked the night away. He said he was going to shower, and I told him I'd probably be asleep by the time he got out.
I heard the water start to run, and then nothing as I fell asleep.
I woke to something moving beneath the sheets. I gasped and arched my back, fully awake. It wasn't that he was big, it was that it was a surprise.
A few minutes later I was falling back to sleep….
-
We woke up at noon, and he said he was hungry. We got dressed and went outside. He hailed a cab, and a few minutes later we were standing at the edge of a rooftop café. The breeze blowing over the city was soothing, and I wished I could drift away with it. To simply float away into the sky. We sat down at a bar and he asked what I wanted to drink. Usually I like Bloody Mary's. I think they are exciting! However I wanted something different. I ordered a Whiskey Sour instead. It was amazing! Seriously, whoever invented the Whiskey Sour is a genius. New favorite drink. Amen, and thank you Jesus.
We got some lunch to go with that, and talked for another hour. We decided our little date was over, and he hailed a cab to take me home. As I waited I started getting a little uncomfortable. He hadn't paid me yet, and it didn't look like he was going to. As a cab pulled up I finally asked him. I asked if he was going to give me anything for my time. He paused for a second and was like "I don't know what you're talking about". I knew it. I told him he had called me up from an escort site. Of course he knew it wasn't free. He said that he didn't know, that I should have asked up front because he wasn't going to pay anything. He turned around and walked into the bar.
In that moment, standing there car door open, I had a choice. I could follow him in and get my money. Or I could go home. I knew that if I went after him he wouldn't hail another cab. Or even offer to pay. But I also knew if I left I definitely wasn't getting the money. I took a step towards the bar, then turned around and got into the car.
This was my mistake, and now I know. Next time I am asking them upfront. It's either now, or never. I felt a bit cheated, but at the same time, it wasn't a bad tradeoff. I had fun conversation, alcohol and lunch. It wasn't the worst date I had ever had. I chalked it off my list, keeping a mental note to always ask up front….
Tuesday, March 17, 2015
Memory
I think I was raped when I was younger. I have strange memories from when I was around 12. Just standing in a bathroom naked and shivering trying not to meet my own reflection in the mirror. I can only remember this feeling of deep deep shame. Whatever it was that happened I was in shock. Funny enough, in some of my other writings I seem to feature my own reflection a lot.
Once I was seeing a psychiatrist, and I brought this memory up to her. She asked me if it was an important memory to me. If I believed that what I remembered was real. It was strange the conclusions we drew from such a simple memory. I had told her about my secret second job before, and she was pretty understanding.
She wondered if maybe my sleeping with older men was my way of piecing together this memory. I had actually wondered this myself. I seem to find myself attracted to the ones that really hurt me. Not on purpose, but somehow most of the guys I meet turn out to have a violent undertone that scares me...as much as it thrills me.
Honestly I don't know anything. But the idea is intriguing....
Once I was seeing a psychiatrist, and I brought this memory up to her. She asked me if it was an important memory to me. If I believed that what I remembered was real. It was strange the conclusions we drew from such a simple memory. I had told her about my secret second job before, and she was pretty understanding.
She wondered if maybe my sleeping with older men was my way of piecing together this memory. I had actually wondered this myself. I seem to find myself attracted to the ones that really hurt me. Not on purpose, but somehow most of the guys I meet turn out to have a violent undertone that scares me...as much as it thrills me.
Honestly I don't know anything. But the idea is intriguing....
Thursday, January 8, 2015
Force
He pushed me down at the edge, putting a hand behind my head and put it in my face telling me to suck it.
I turned my head facing away as he grabbed my hair, pulling me into his crotch. I jerked away pushing back. He kept pulling me towards him and I cried out as he covered my mouth with a hand. I fought him off as he grabbed my neck and forced me back into the sheets.
I tried to scream but found no breath in my lungs. I pulled at his hands, trying to pry them off my throat as stars sprang to my eyes and my vision blurred. He let go grabbing my wrists instead. I choked as I drew in a burning breath, tears in my eyes. He flipped me over and grabbed my ankles pulling me to the edge of the bed, pulling off my clothes, holding me down...
It was terrifying.
It was ruthless.
Nothing could have prepared me for the way I would feel for months afterwards. I feel disgusting, and ashamed. I've only told the smallest circle of friends because I can barely stand to linger on that memory.
The only comfort I had was that he used a condom. Because I didn't want to go to the hospital. Didn't want to go to the police. I didn't want this on my record. Because if I told on him, he'd tell on me too....
I tried to kill myself a few days after.
I couldn't bare the pain...
But it failed. I'm not sure if I'm relieved or not. I still live in this nightmare. But I also have friends whom I can rely on. and I love them dearly.
I turned my head facing away as he grabbed my hair, pulling me into his crotch. I jerked away pushing back. He kept pulling me towards him and I cried out as he covered my mouth with a hand. I fought him off as he grabbed my neck and forced me back into the sheets.
I tried to scream but found no breath in my lungs. I pulled at his hands, trying to pry them off my throat as stars sprang to my eyes and my vision blurred. He let go grabbing my wrists instead. I choked as I drew in a burning breath, tears in my eyes. He flipped me over and grabbed my ankles pulling me to the edge of the bed, pulling off my clothes, holding me down...
It was terrifying.
It was ruthless.
Nothing could have prepared me for the way I would feel for months afterwards. I feel disgusting, and ashamed. I've only told the smallest circle of friends because I can barely stand to linger on that memory.
The only comfort I had was that he used a condom. Because I didn't want to go to the hospital. Didn't want to go to the police. I didn't want this on my record. Because if I told on him, he'd tell on me too....
I tried to kill myself a few days after.
I couldn't bare the pain...
But it failed. I'm not sure if I'm relieved or not. I still live in this nightmare. But I also have friends whom I can rely on. and I love them dearly.
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